


And I heard myself screaming

by orphan_account



Series: Righteous Man just doesn't sound right. [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Deanna/Castiel - Freeform, Episode: s06e20 The Man Who Would Be King, F/M, Leaving, alwaysagirl!Dean, girl!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 02:46:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3793759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deanna feels like she's falling apart, breaking, and there is nothing to be done about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't believe a single word he says

**Author's Note:**

> A snippet out of something I'm currently working on. Prolly gonna be a while before I get around to post the rest of my 'verse.   
> Have fun reading lovelies!

She drives, hands tight around the wheel and eyes firmly on the road. The comfort of simply sitting in Baby is there, but she can't relax. 

They can't be right. Cas wouldn't do that, not to them, not to her. She so desperately wants to believe that, torn between her instincts and her loyalty. The radio is silent. She wants to turn it on, to crank up the volume so she doesn't have to hear her own thoughts.

Deanna runs a hand through her hair instead. It's gotten too long, she notes absently, nearly reaching her shoulders. She had cut it off as soon as Dad took her on her first hunt. She remembers the motel bathroom, dirty white tiles and too bright light. Her brother, with sad big eyes and long strands of ash blonde curls on the floor.

She needs a hair tie. Maybe Sam has one.

Deanna knows Cas should drop in every second now. It's so obvious. He isn't as unpredictable as everyone thinks he is. The rustling feathers startle her anyway.

"Hello, Deanna", he says gravely, suddenly sitting next to her with a flap of his wings. His rough voice never fails to send a spike of arousal through her body. She swallows, trying for a smile. It's not very convincing. She'd like to slap her palm against the steering wheel, but she should not take it out on Baby.

"Are you alright?", he asks and she fights very hard not to snap. No, she's not. Sammy and Bobby are convinced he's working with Crowley. She hasn't seen him alone in weeks. Her period is extremly late. Cas is never there. Too busy fighting a war her family can't help him in.

 

But she lies. She promised not to make him suspicious. And if the accusations her brother and surrogate father made don't turn out to be true –  _which she knows, she knows they can't be, because it would break her fucking heart_ – well, she could never handle Cas' disappointment.

Deanna looks at him, takes in the deep shadows beneath his eyes and the weariness in the corners of his mouth. She can tell that this war upstairs is taking a toll on him.  His lips are chapped, as usual. She thinks about the last time she felt them against her own and can't even recall the date. He never comes until she calls him and she's tired of begging.

"Yeah, I'm fine", she answers, careful not to let her feelings show. She asks about him. He doesnt answer her question.

 

"I just wanted to check in", he says, meeting her eyes and instantly withdrawing his gaze again. She screams silently. _Checking in_ , after she had not really seen him since Sam got stuffed in a cage. 

A few messy romps in between saying hi and leaving again don't fucking count. She remembers the last time, him crowding her against a motel door, tearing one of her favourite shirts apart and ripping off her tank top. It had been hot as hell and frightening at the same time. He had bitten her then, leaving a mark that she had to hide under a scarf for days. Not that she didn't like it, she very much did. But he had left the second after he let her down from fucking her against the wall. She had been pissed for days.

 

Deanna feels repressed anger rushing through her, messing with her brain, setting her blood on fire. She knows this feeling, learned to embrace it in hell. She shoves it all down again. "So what about Satan Jr? Any news?", she asks, can't stop herself. She needs to know, needs to find out if he's been lying to them the whole time. To her.

"I'm looking, believe me", he replies and she wants to believe him so bad. He doesn't understand how Crowley tricked him? Well, everybody else doesn't either. Her retort comes easy, her hatred for Crowley helping along. "Yeah, he's a tricky sonofabitch", she murmurs. _You should fucking know that._ The rage comes back, back up and consumes her. She wants Crowley dead, so very much. Wants to bury a knife in him over and over again, to stand in a pool of his tainted blood, wants to torture him until he can't laugh anymore and finally, finally shuts his mouth. She'll rip his head off right after.

The beheading is the only thought she shares with Cas. He looks at her, fleeting, like he's afraid to meet her eyes. "What about you? Find anything?"  He tries not to sound as interested as he probably is. Fails, of course. She deflects the question with an easy lie. They don't have anything concrete yet. Cas doesn't need to know about the demon currently trapped in Bobbys house.

"Where's Sam?", the angel asks after turning around to check the backseat. She swallows down a sarcastic reply and fabricates a pretty lie instead. Out, hunting a Djinn. She's gonna join him in Oklahoma. Lie, lie, lie.

"I'd come if I could", Cas says softly. He's getting better at interpreting body language. Deanna is fucking tense and she can't relax as long as he's beside her. There is so much left unsaid between them. He reaches out to lay his hand on her arm, same place where his handprint is branding her on the other side. She twitches. He's so freakin' warm and she wants nothing more than to stop the car, crush her lips to his and demand anwers. She knows he won't give them. 

She nearly begs the angel to call for help if needed. Deanna would do anything for him. He's just as important to her as Sammy is. In a different way, of course. But she loves him, she does. She fell for an angel, no, for  _Cas_ , and it's _breaking her_ .

He doesn't even bother answering before he zaps away. They both know he won't call.

 

She concentrates on breathing, blinking stubborn tears away. She's been whiny lately and Cas leaving - again and again and again, why do people keep leaving her - does not help. 

Deanna knows he would not be able to lie to her face. To look her in the eyes and continue this charade. She _knows_ he's hiding something , but she pushes the thought away, locks it deep down, next to her memories of hell, next to Sams death and betrayal.

She's good at shutting things out.

The little black drugstore bag next to her burns against her thigh.

 

 


	2. It's gonna be a lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember where Cas was during that scene in the kitchen?

She stops the car in town and buys groceries and beer. Bobby sent her to get supplies and so she does. Deanna just didn't want to go to the local drugstore for her own personal necesseties. Word travels fast in small towns and she really does not want to have that conversation in case someone tells Bobby.  

Back at the junkyard – the only place she ever really could call _home_ – she grabs the brown paperbag and gets in through the front door. Sammy can fetch the beer later. She's greeted by the pleasant sound of a demon screaming. Deanna pokes her head into the living room while unpacking groceries and piling everything next to the humming refrigerator.

 

Her brother turns around to face her while Bobby drives Rubys trusty knive deep into the demons thigh. Man, she hated that bitch, still does, but the knive was nearly worth all the trouble they had gone through because of her. No, not really, but it's surprisingly reliable and that's a like finding a fucking golden needle in a haystack.

She folds her arms in front of her. "Cas popped in on me earlier", she says and can already see the first signs of oh-shit-we-got-caught panic flaring up in her brothers eyes, "Don't freak out, Samantha. I didn't say anything. You're officially hunting a Djinn right now." Bobby joins them and opens a beer, offering it to Deanna. The demonic hunter is still screaming, the knife burried in his flesh. It's a pleasant background noise that soothes her nerves. 

 

"He doesn't know we're getting close to Crowley?", the older hunter asks and frowns. Deannas grip on her bottle tightens. "You know he's our friend, right?", she snaps and puts the beer back in the refrigerator. She can't stand the smell right now. She knows Sam and Bobby are probably exchanging worried glances behind her back. When she turns aroud, the old man stares out of the window as if they were naked ladies dancing on the porch.

Sam got this compassionate look on, the one when he wants to talk about feelings and stuff. Sometimes she wonders _who_ is supposed to be the girl here. She glares at him, _don't you fucking dare Sammy_ and lets her anger show through her voice. "We're keeping this from him, we're lying through our teeth and I can't stand it."

 

She knows something is terribly wrong, she knows it, she felt it in the car. She knew it all along, ever since this damn civil war upstairs started. But she can't doubt Cas. They have to trust him. He may not always be there and he has certainly hurt her on more than one occasion, but those were just her petty feelings and nothing of importance.

"Look, I don't know, I hate myself for even thinking about it", Bobby starts and Deanna snorts. She folds her arms again, gripping too tight, the dull pain keeping her grounded. He watches her intently, worry bleeding out of every pore. "We just don't _know_ ", and that's Sam again, closing his eyes while sounding so pleading that it hits her like a brick wall.

 

She knows it's hurting him too, doubting Cas. It's hurting them all. "I'm praying we're wrong", her brother says, "but if we ain't...and that chance is significantly higher..."

"We'd be dealing with Superman going Dark Side", Bobby adds and moves to sit on one of the ever creaking kitchen chairs. He sighs. "Which means we gotta be cautious, gotta be smart and maybe stock up on some kryptonite."

 

Deanna swallows down her anger, her fear and the stupid burning sensation in the back of her throat. She needs to get away, she can't hear that, she can't loose trust in Cas. It's pretty much one of the only things she and the rest of her mismatched family have left. She knows they're staring at her, wanting to make her understand why they are doing this, but she won't have it.

"I'm gonna catch up on some sleep. Wake me up if you get something out of that piece of shit", she points at the demon. She doesn't add the _or do you want_ me _to make him talk_. She'd fucking love that. To tear him apart, strip the skin from his flesh, carve intricate patterns with the knife. She could imagine him being Crowley. Deanna clenches her fists while staring at the redhaired hellspawn. Her nails dig into the soft skin of her palm. Wrong line of thought, Winchester.

Alistair had been an damn psycho sonofabitch but he made torture look disturbingly beautiful. She blamed Heaven of reminding her of that when they made her torture her former teacher.

 

Deanna turns around apruptly and stomps up the stairs. She makes it into her room and closes the door before leaning against it and putting a hand over her face. She remembers coming up here the first time, a frightened six year old with a baby brother in tow. Bobby had shown her the room, small as it is, painted in a yellowy white and dark brown furniture. It has been her home, her safepoint, for so many years.

She lets her gaze wander over the posters she put up as a teenager, whenever Dad left them here. A picture of Sammy, Bobby and her on the poach is still tucked in the windowframe. She knows that Cas' blue tie is still in her tiny closet. She had found it on the floor after he left in the middle of the night a few month ago, right after pounding her into the mattress. Deanna begins to see a pattern there, she's his fucking stress release from the war chaos upstairs. Way to win a girls heart. The next time she saw him he had exactly the same tie wrapped clumsily around his neck, but the one in her closet was still there. Stupid angel mojo.

 

After her heart doesn't feel like it's going to explode anymore she walks to the bed where her canvas bag is and changes into dark sweatpants and an old, faded shirt. She takes the drugstore bag out of her jackets pocket. Deep breaths, she tells herself, as she leaves for the bathroom next door.

Inside she sits on the bathtubs rim and opens the bag, taking out a small box. She reads the inscriptions while willing the panic down. It's a pregnancy test. Her period is late, really late, like two months behind her normal schedule. She'd thought it may be the constant stress and getting thrown around by monsters on a daily basis. But it's never that easy. Her life simply isn't.

She stares at the little plastic stick. That's so pointless. She didn't sleep with someone other than Cas in over a year, after Lisa officially left her. And she always made him wear protection, didn't she? 

 

Fuck, she's panicking and she didn't even do the test yet. A fine layer of sweat is forming on her forehead and she can see her hands shaking. She can't be pregnant. She's busy hunting, Cas is busy doing...whatever, trying to win a war, and she can't _bring a fucking child into this fucked up world._ She's a hopeless, borderline alcoholic ruined by forty years of hell and a few on earth that had not been that different from down under. Not to mention that more than half of heaven and most certainly all of hell wants her dead.

She can't do that now. She has to clean up her mess with Cas, they really need to talk and then there's the whole Crowley buisness. Deanna shoves the plastic stick back in the box and returns to her room. She's a fucking coward.

Sleep avoids her for the next two hours and when Sammy calls her down she is grumpy, angry and out for blood.

 

They have a name and an adress on where to find information about that sonofabitch that calls himself King of Hell and she's looking forward to tearing a few demons apart.

 


	3. And it falls apart

They drive in silence, the Impalas trunk crammed full with weapons and holy water. Deanna clutches the wheel too tight, her back ramrod straight and eyes seemingly focused on the road. The radio blares classic rock too loud but nobody dares to complain.

 

The guitar riffs don't fill the space in the car like they used to. Sammy is fiddling with his fingers next to her, eyes flitting between Deannas face, the road and the landscape. 

He offered to drive a few minutes ago – he said she seems to be tired – but she won't let him. It's pretty much the only thing she can do right now to distract herself from the need to _crush burn rip apart_.

 

She has no idea what the fuck is wrong with her head. Hell had left it's mark on her soul, she's sure of it, but it had never been as bad as it is now.

Everything is falling apart again, being ripped away from her, stripping her of her humanity. Deanna is out for blood and violence. She just hopes she can keep her impulses in check until she gets her hand on some demon spawn.

 

They reach their destination in the early afternoon. Baby is left out of sight from the house. Deanna grabs the rifles and hands them to her brother and Bobby. They gear up in silence, only muttering quiet requests to pass something over.

She leaves Dads old leather jacket on the back seat, it's too bulky to move fast and she really does not want to get any blood on it. It's a bitch to get out. Deanna binds her hair back with a stray leather string she found in the kitchen. No luck with hair ties yet, Sammy has none, she checked.

 

Blood is throbbing hot in her veins, eyes sharp and body moving in tune with Sammy as they advance. Bobby is behind them, covering their backs.

They come in from the side, her brother moving forward, ducking behind a shed and gesturing wide to say it's safe to join him. Nobody is outside as they circle around the house. There is an old truck standing right in front of the entrance door. Not suspicious at all.

 

Sam kicks the door down and they move, shotguns ready and waiting to strike. It's squeaky clean in here. Not a single body, not one demon. Deanna swears under her breath as she puts her weapon down. "Bet they got tipped" she snarls, brushing a straying strand of hair back.

Sammy huffs. "Maybe they run from us now", her brother thinks out aloud and grins at the sight of Bobby rolling his eyes in annoyance. "What? Would be a nice thought", he defends himself.

"Yeah. _That's_ what happened."

 

Deanna keeps watch in the big living room while Bobby and Sam check the other rooms for any demon activity. They find nothing. It's fucking spotless clean in here and that makes her guts churn. They meet up where she stands a few minutes later. She raises her eyebrows. "It's clean", Bobby states the obvious, "But like Mr Clean-clean, ya know. Kinda OCD for demons."

 

"So, what now", asks Sam and she does all she can not to roll her eyes on that. She tries to keep her anger in, she really tries, but she knows they can hear it in her voice. It's biting and she doesn't want to hurt Sam but she's so tired of this.

"We call Cas. This is usually the point where we call Cas."

"Dee, we talked about that..."

She snaps, layers of red over her vision, voice tainted with rage kept hidden, burried deep down until now. " _No, you talked"_ , she spits out, "I listened. This is _Cas_ , guys! There is no one, and I mean _no one else_. When we we're stuck, really stuck, he _fucking broke rank for us_ and this is how you repay him? Don't we owe him the benefit of doubt at least?"

 

Sam just blinks his owlish eyes at her. Deanna wants to scream, feels pressure building behind her eyes. She's so tired of this, so freaking tired and they just don't want to listen to her.

Her brother sighs, closes his eyes and starts praying. She nearly starts crying in relief. Maybe they can finally fix this, it's going to be alright, they'll find a solution like they always do.

 

"Castiel, this is really important, okay. We really need to talk to you", her brother babbles and why does he keep making those stupid faces? Well, okay, she looks dorky while calling Cas too, so maybe it's a family trait. But she's still hot while doing this, Sam is just an overgrown moose.

Nothing happens. They all turn around, but there's no trenchcoat in sight. Maybe she should try it. He prefers her calling him, like the one time in the motel room where he told Sam right away that he shared a 'more profound bond with Deanna'. "Castiel, come on man, we need you." Still nothing.

 

Fucking angel always busy with something more important than his friends in need.

"Well, back to square one", sighs Bobby. He and Sam start leaving for the door, while Deanna looks around the room one more time, still waiting for the telltale flap of wings.

 

They don't even get the slightest bit of warning. Someone jumps her from the side, throws her against a glass cabinet. She hits it with her back and falls to the ground, shards digging through her jeans and jacket. Deanna can't even reach for the knife, the demon looming over her slams her wrists next to her head and grins, fletching his teeth. She can hear Sam and Bobby grunting, fighting and _loosing_.

"Crowley says hi", the demon snarls and hits her square in the face. She thinks she can feel her nose cracking as blood dripples down her forehead. Another blow meets her left cheekbone and Deanna really has to keep herself together not to start screaming.

Blood is getting in her eyes and she can't get him off her no matter how much she struggles. A fingertip meets a big shard of glass and she tries to grab it as the demon starts crushing her windpipe. 

Something hauls him off, throws him through the room where he meets the wall. She gasps for air, struggling to sit up, blood obscuring her vision. She hears smiting. Cas. Finally. Face the heavenly wrath, you dicks.

 

The fight is over in seconds, having a helping angel hand is almost too easy, not that she's complaining. She can't stand up properly, loosing her balance every time she tries to get vertical. Her head feels like someone stepped on it repeatedly.

Sam hobbles over to her and slings an arm around her waist, heaving her up. They barely make it two steps forward before Deanna slips and falls. Cas catches her just in time. He still doesn't look her in the eyes, but he draws her in to his chest for a moment before he heals her and steps back.

 

He's _here_ and still on their side. Take that, Samsquatsch. She throws her brother and Bobby an _I-told-you-so_ look. "Well, what do you think about Cas saving our asses? _Again_?" Cas blinks and just stands there looking a bit wary. Bobby seems to feel uncomfortable as he runs his cap through his hands and apologises. The angel frowns. "Why?", he asks and Sam admits to hunting Crowley the whole time.

 

"We've been keeping it from you", her brother admits and Bobby adds "We thought you were working with him".

Cas looks genuinely hurt. "I know, it's crazy, right," Deanna says, subconciously stepping closer while talking. Bobby raises his hands in defeat. "It's just that you torched the wrong bones and...well, doesn't matter. We were wrong."

The angel cocks his head, like he always does when confronted with something he doesn't get. "You know you could have just asked me", he says, voice flat without any expression.

 

Deanna nods. "Yeah, we should have. We never should have doubted you." He smiles at her but it's guarded and she gets he's a bit angry at her too. He has every right to be. "I just hope you can forgive us", she pleads. He lets his gaze wander, takes in the three of them, obviously looking guilty. The angel swallows, then smiles. "It's forgotten."

Deanna exhales slowly. Thank God. She'd thought he'd be angrier.

 

"It is a little absurd, though. Superman going to the Dark Side?"

 

They stare at Cas. He's standing there, beautiful and smiling like an idiot, clearly pleased with himself for _remembering_ that cultural reference.

Deanna knows Sam and Bobby can see the exact second where she gets it. Her heart stops. He has not been there. Why does he know that?

It feels like someone just kicked her in the ribs, ripped her chest open and poured acid in there.

Cas doesn't notice.

Her vision is filling with black.

 

"I'm still just Castiel", he grins and looks at Deanna, affectionate smile and all.

She swallows, mouth full of cotton and fingers digging into her palms. She has no idea why her voice doesn't crack. "Well, I guess we can put away the kryptonite, right?"

His words stab like Alistairs sharpest knives.

"Exactly", he answers, still _smiling and how the fuck can he keep looking at her like that_.

 

She can't breathe, something in her chest _burns_.

She could make a joke on how greasy food finally caught up with her, but Deanna is trying her hardest not to start screaming, not to throw her fist at his fucking perfect face.

It's eerily silent but he doesn't get what's wrong. The angel disappears instead, telling them it's an emergency and he has to go now, he'll see them soon.

 

She can't break down now. He could still be here, invisible and listening. They are silent, in thought, all of them.

Bobby checks the liquor cabinet and comes back with three glasses and two bottles of Jack. He hands one to Deanna.

She wants to drink. She craves the numbness alcohol provides, wants to drown herself in liquor until she doesn't know her own name anymore. But Deanna puts it aside, chooses to curl up on the surprisingly comfortable couch. She doesn't move, keeps still, staring at the wall with unseeing eyes while trying to come up with something.

 

 

It's her plan. She prepares everything.

The sun is already descending when she's done. Deanna is sitting in an armchair, Bobby on the couch and Sam can't keep still, keeps wandering through the room, nipping on his drink. The older hunter throws his glass back and looks at her. She nods. There's no reason to wait any longer.

 

The pain in her chest has not dulled. Deannas brain keeps repeating the last times he came to help them – _or to see her, but she can't, she can't think of that now, she's sure she'll break into little pieces until nothing can put her back together again._

 

"Castiel," she starts, trying so hard to keep her voice from cracking, "we need you for a little pow-wow here, so come on down." Bobby looks at her like he wants to cuddle her and _fuck_ no, she's not that weak, she can't allow herself to have a mental breakdown now. She's not a fucking teenager, she's a grown ass woman, she faced the Devil, said _no_ to an angel – _and yes to another, fuck fuck fuck she can't think of that, why does she keep thinking of that._

 

The sound of feathers makes her turn around. Cas is standing a few feet away, that was fast, so now he comes the second she calls him? "Well, jolly on the spot," says Bobby, clearly as surprised as she is. Cas smiles, hair as chaotic as usual, dark lines underneath his eyes and that stupid trenchcoat and she can't _think._

 

"You're still here.", he remarks gravely. No shit, Legolas. Sam saves her before she snaps and gives them away. "We had to bury the bodies", he says and Bobby raises a glass. "And we found whisky!"

She stays silent, keeping her eyes down, slowly falling apart.

"So, how can I help?", the angel asks. Sam signales him to come closer, grabs a notebook he found and turns over a few pages. "We have this new plan", he lies and she wonders why he does that so completly convincing, _Ruby, how could she forget_ , "we figured out a new way to track down Crowley".

 

And it works like a charm. Cas is standing in front of them in an instant, so obviously nervous.

"What is it then", the angel asks and reaches out to grab the notebook.

 

"You", says Bobby and lights the holy oil, trapping Castiel inside.

 


	4. Break down and cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's an alternative scene in another part of the series :)   
> Check it out, if you're in the mood for some smut, because this chap here is mostly heartbreak.

Cas turns around, coat flaring, confusion and panic obvious. He stares at them, turning from Bobby to Sam to her. She doesn't let her mask slip, keeps her game face up.

She knows she's radiating cold fury.

"What are you doing," the angel asks, voice rough and alarmed. He still tries to keep calm, she can see it now, can see how his hands twitch against his sides, eyes not entirely meeting hers.

Deanna stands up, weight of the world on her shoulders. "We gotta talk", she says and wonders how her voice is still so controlled. "About _what_ ", he growls, "let me _go_!"

She withstands the urge to start screaming like a banshee. She's not, and she refuses to be, a hysterical teenager.

 

"About Superman", she spits, anger simmering through. He looks at her, baffled and not understanding. "And _Kryptonite_ ", she adds. She holds her head high, staring at him. Deanna never wished she'd be taller, more intimidating, then right now.

She can see him getting what she's implying. He averts his eyes instantly, to the floor, probably searching for another convincing lie. Not happening, buddy, you're not getting out of this.

 

"How didya know what I said", Bobby asks, no, it's not asking, it's a statement. His voice is flat like the one time he told Dad that his kids are always welcome but he isn't any more. It's the ultimate Bobby-disapproves voice and she shivers hearing it again.

Sam is stalking circles around the burning oil, predator in every move. "Why have you been watching us", he asks and Deanna nods.

"You know who spies on people, Cas?", she hisses, " _Spies_!"

Not her most eloquent sentence ever, but she can't come up with something better as long as something in her head keeps screaming _liar, liar, how could you do that, why why why._

 

The angel holds his hands up. "Okay, just wait, I don't even know what you mean", he says, head tilted to the side looking like a fucking little bird.

You know what they mean, you stupid betraying sonofabitch. Her nails are pressing so hard against her palms she's sure to see blood seeping through soon.

Sammy elaborates their suspicions. "Well, take this demon hellhole. How is it next to godliness clean in here?"

"And how exactly did Crowley trick you with the wrong bones?", Bobby adds.

"That's hard to explain", Cas starts, turning to face Bobby and Sam, gesturing nervous.

Another sign that he's lying. He never does that. "It's hard to understand, just let me go, let me out and I -"

Deanna has had enough. Bullshit, they're not going to let him out so he can whisk away.

"Gotta look at me man", she says, and he turns around and stares at her chin, eyes and soft and so fucking blue. "You gotta level with me and tell me what's going on."

 

He swallows, even though he doesn't have too. Why didn't she notice earlier. She's so stupid.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you're not working with Crowley", she says, voice breaking, putting every last bit of remaining hope in it.

He finally meets her eyes. They stare at each other and she tries her hardest to keep her emotions in check, to not start fucking _crying_ and pleading.

He says nothing and the silence reveals more than he could ever say out loud.

 

Cas averts his eyes after a few seconds and starts glaring at the floor again. She nods slowly, swallowing, throat burning. Her chest feels like it's being ripped open by hellhounds again.

"Sonofabitch", she whispers. He at least has the decency to wince at that.

"Just let me explain - " he starts and Deanna has no idea why he keeps bothering.

"So you're really with him", she interrupts and tries so hard to keep her voice from shaking. She's not succeeding if his hand reaching towards her only to be stopped by the burning oil is any indication. Seems like he has at least an inkling of how she feels.

 

"You and Crowley? Going after Purgatory together?" she says and why does she keep asking, she _knows_ it's not going to get better. "You have, huh? This whole time," and she's so fucking angry and sad and desperate and does not know if she wants to cry or rip his heart out slowly.

"I did it to protect you, I did it to protect _all of you_ ", he says, and Sam shakes his head in disbelief. "Protect us how? By opening a hole into monster land?"

"Thats right, Cas. One drop got through and that was _Eve_ and you wanna break down the entire dam?!" Bobby sounds like he's talking to a toddler who doesn't get that playing with guns can kill people.

 

Cas opens and shuts his mouth. He looks like a fish when he does that. Out of excuses, wingboy? How about some anwers for a change, her mind screams at him.

"To get the souls", he says, "I can stop Raphael, please, you have to trust me."

Sammy snorts. "Trust you, how are we supposed to trust you now?"

"I'm still me", the angel answers, "I'm still your friend."

Her brother stares at Cas like he just grew a second head.

"Sam, _I raised you from perdition_ ", he says and she hears Sams sharp intake of breath.

"What," he says and Deanna burns, she burns and can't stop it.

"Well, no offence, but you did a pretty piss poor job of it", Sam snaps.

"Wait", Deanna whispers, voice still quiet, but stable as she stares at Cas. "Did you bring him back soulless _on purpose_?"

 

He frowns, "Why would you think that", as if he still doesn't get it. "Well, I'm thinking a lot of things right now, Cas." She does not really need to elaborate on that. He needed help getting the alphas to open purgatory, so he'd need a good and ruthless hunter. Fucking asshole.

The angel speaks up again, dead set on trying to convince them, "Listen, Raphael will kill us all, he'll turn the world into a graveyard. I had no choice!"

"No, you had a choice. You just made the wrong one", Deanna says.

He huffs. "You don't understand, it's complicated."

 

No, actually it's not and he knows that. She tells him so. "Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret unless _you knew it was wrong?_ " His shoulders cave a bit as he seems to search for words.

"When crap like this comes around _we_ deal with it", she says, "like we always have. What we don't do is _go and make another deal with fucking demons_!" And she screams the last words right in his face. Self-control can go to hell for all she cares.

"It sounds so simple when you say it like that", Cas says and he doesn't even sound like he's trying to defend himself anymore. "Where were you when I needed to hear it", and the accusation is clear and that's enough, she heard enough. She has been right here, for each and everyone she considers her family and she'd have come running if he said a single word.

"I was there", she states, "Where were you? Should have come to us for help, Cas."

Deanna can't even bear looking at him right now.

 

"Maybe", he admits, "But it's too late now." The wind starts stirring outside the house. Fuck. It's never too late, she wants to say, wants to grab him, shake him, bash his head in and make up.

"Demons!", Sam shouts. The hunters exchange looks. They have to leave now unless they want to die.

"I can't turn back now, I can't", Cas says, voice a bit desperate around the edges.

Deanna comes near, stands as close to the fire as she dares.

"It's not too late, it's never, damnit Cas, we can _fix this_ ," she shouts over the roar of incoming hellspawn.

"Deanna, it's _not broken_ ", and damnit if his words and his flat tone don't break her heart into even smaller bits.

Sam grabs her arm and drags her with him as Cas yells at them to leave. She doesn't turn around.

 

* * *

 

 

The demons attack the house as they reach the Impala. Sammy tries to get to the drivers side, but she pushes him away with empty eyes. She drives like a madwoman, too fast and it's too quiet in the car. Nobody says a thing. She's not sure what she's going to do if somebody dares to speak up.

They reach the junkyard in record time.

As soon as they're inside Bobby gets his spray cans and starts painting angel wards on the windows.

They drink in silence.

 

She can't sleep upstairs. It reminds her of him and that reminds her of _how she'd been so fucking stupid_. So she takes the couch, wrapped in a few blankets. Bobby throws her a worried look as he turns the lights off and tiptoes up the stairs. Deanna stares at the ceiling. Sleep comes slowly and doesn't last long.

For Gods sake. She sits up, rubs her eyes and fixes him with a dark stare.

"Hello Deanna", the angel says and she wants to bash his head against a wall. "How did you even get in here?", she asks.

He points out that the angel wards are incorrect. Typical Winchester luck.

"It's too bad we had to angel-proof in the first place", she says and stands up, minding to stay out of his space and folding her arms in front of her. "Why are you here?", she asks. The moonlight shines right through the window and paints the floor sparkling white.

"I want you to understand -" he begins while walking towards her. She takes a step back and interrupts him. "Yeah, I get it, blah, blah, Raphael, right."

 

"I'm doing this for you, Deanna, I'm doing this _because of you_ ", he hisses, takes two steps in her space, crowds her against a bookshelf. She feels their spines digging into her back. Won't look at him, stares at the floor like it's the most interesting thing, until he takes her face in his hands and tilts it upwards. If he tries to kiss her now she might bite his lip off.

She's not worth it, is not worth a war in heaven, does not want anyone to sacrifice anything for her. Cas stares into her eyes, pupils blown big and black in the moonlight.

She feels weak and betrayed and wants nothing more than to punch him where it hurts. Her knee slams up but he blocks it somehow and ends up squeezing a leg between hers to stop her from doing it again. "You have to listen to me", he starts, his nose nearly touching hers. It's too fucking close, she shoves at him, interrupting whatever carefully prepared speech he was about to deliver.

She does not want him to touch her, can't bear his proximity.

 

"Let go", she spits out and curses his damn angelic strengh.

He looks hurt and confused for a moment before he slides his hands of her cheeks and takes a small step back.

"Deanna, you have to understand – "

"Don't you fucking dare blame this on _me_ , I don't want to hear _any of it any more!"_

"You're the one who taught me freedom and free will - "

And she's interrupting him again. It's giving her a perverse feeling of pleasure doing so.

"You're a freakin' child, you know that. Just because you get to do what you want doesn't mean you get to do _whatever_ you want!" She bitchslaps him, palm open as she knows it won't hurt her as much as a fist hitting his brickwall face. It's not the first time she took a swing at him.

 

He catches her hand before it falls back to her side. "I deserved that for lying to you. _Don't hit me again_ ", he hisses and squeezes her arm in warning. "I know what I'm doing" and she nearly groans hearing that, because he clearly doesn't.

She'd fuck him into giving up this stupid plan but she doesn't think it would work. And telling him 'I might be pregnant' is absolutely _not_ what she's going to do.

"Look, I'm not gonna logic you on this one," she pleads, last try, she can't do any better, "I'm saying, don't, just 'cause. _I'm_ asking you not to, that's it."

He looks confused. Deanna sighs. "Next to Sam and Bobby you're the closest thing I have to family. You know how I feel about that. So if I'm asking you not to do something you gotta trust me, Cas."

He's silent for a few endless long seconds.

 

"Or what?" And fuck, she didn't think it could get any worse, but it does.

She bites her cheeks until her tongue tastes blood.

"Or I'll have to do what I've to do to stop you", she says, his words roaring in her ears.

"You can't, Deanna. You're just a woman", he says.

Deanna is sure her eyes are bleeding red with all the anger and rage she feels right now.

She knows he doesn't mean it like that, but that stupid line follows her through her whole life. Just a girl, a pretty face and nothing else. It's not true and she knows it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting like a bitch.

"I'm an angel", he states, yeah, she didn't know that, okay.

"I don't know, I've taken some pretty big fish", she retorts.

Cas turns away, looking out the window. "I'm sorry, Deanna."

Her hate burns bright behind her eyes. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I ever met you", she says and swallows down the _I'm sorry I trusted you, I'm sorry I fell in love with you._

He winces visibly at that and blinks away a moment later.

 

Deanna punches the wall. She doesn't sleep for the rest of the night, she sits on the couch, clutching her arms around her middle and staring into nothingness.

 

When all is said and done, she's still Deanna Winchester, extraordinary hunter, beloved sister and always, always breaking apart in so many different ways.

She doesn't know how it could get any worse. But it will happen, she's sure of it. Thats just the way it is. She doesn't know how she holds up, how her soul is not yet shattered in a million pieces. She feels like it should be.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it gets worse. Sammy finds the pregnancy test on Deannas bed while getting her canvas bag for her.
> 
> Anyway, it's been fun, thanks for reading! :)


End file.
